Knotted Hate

I can't see my dying friend
because his relative
fat rich bitch
calls me selfish
because I wouldn't instantaneously
give away what money I don't have
to his employed wife

how selfish of me,
The one without a job
trying to keep myself out of debt

okay, girl
you can't tell her how wrong she is
and you can't tell her how
she is truly the self-centered one
so knot up the hate
add it to that tight little ball
that's been growing inside you
all these years

you remember what it's like:
you didn't want to know the names
of the people
who hit your car
when you were stopped at an intersection
when you were doing nothing wrong
but being a sitting duck
and were almost killed

waiting for that final shot
from the hunter,
looking for his final kill

you know people will listen
right after you're attacked
by an ex-gang member

but when you're underlyingly taught
That things like sexual abuse are your fault,
well, that's when you have to add
more emotion to the knot

that ball of hate
has been growing
since that acquaintance rapist ex of yours
made your hate flourish
with more phone calls,
cards, letters,
even recorded audio

his stare scared you
and you feared the tears
if you saw him in the distance
on the street

you swallow your tears
and stifle your hatred
when even the thought of him
instigated the constant pain
and the medical clinic
for round number one
of body-harming medications
      since the American solution
      to solving all health problems
      is popping a pill

but girl,
you know you've dealt with this your whole life
because your fifties-styled family
was probably just like every other family:
with a nice-looking exterior
and well-mannered children in public
because children couldn't show their feelings,
                                              their resentment
                                                  or their hatred
From their constant emotional battles
without consequence

you poor thing
you've been working for all these years
on that knot of hate
it's been growing quite steadily
you have a permanent place inside you for it

you've been trained well
to not let people see what's wrong
to not let people see your hatred
because that would be improper

you can't let anyone else feel what you feel
you can do this yourself
take it all in like the proper fifties housewife
You've been trained to be

keep that knotted hate
as that perfect circle
don't let any of it out
and don't worry about it's effect on you
I'm sure there's a drug out there
that will numb you
into not caring anymore